BY LYNSEY G.
This month marks the thirtieth anniversary of the iconic, amazing, beautiful, terrifying, weird, and sparkly Jim Henson film Labyrinth starring David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly, along with a huge cast of wild goblins, monsters, heroes, and villains designed by Brian Froud. We can ponder why on earth Jareth wanted a screaming baby, exactly, or whether we’d give in to his demands to love and fear him in exchange for everything we’ve ever wanted (hint: YES), or precisely what are the moral implications of slipping a teenage girl a poisoned peach and then slow-dancing with her inside a bubble. But you know what’s even more fun? Identifying what character represents you best, based on your zodiac sign.
You're the Fireys. It doesn’t get much more cardinal fire sign than a singing, dancing band of out-of-control Muppets called Fireys that chase young, innocent girls around the forest, trying to convince them to take off their heads. Sure, these wild Aries monsters have tons of noble characteristics: they’re action-oriented; they bring a level of dedication any cause they choose that no other sign can match; they never back down; they know how to have a good time; and they’re perfectly comfortable in their own skin. Maybe a little too comfortable: In the case of the Fireys, Aries can also make themselves comfy in the skins, eyes, limbs, and heads of others. And when your version of a good time is a burning commitment to chasing innocents around the dark, scary forest, refusing to back down until she chucks your head into the underbrush, well…You’re definitely an Aries.
You're the Worm. Taurus personalities, when confronted by over-eager adventuring types desperate to complete some mission or other that will doubtlessly lead them far from home, through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, aren’t likely to take up the cause. No, stalwart, earthy, sensual Taurus would much prefer to remain in the comfort of their own home, cuddled in a comfy sweater (or a favorite red scarf), enjoying the delightful company of their romantic companion. Anybody who’d want to go straight to the goblins’ castle strikes him as a bit ridiculous. The Worm knows where his loyalties lie: inside with the Missus and a nice cup of tea.
You're Jareth, the Goblin King. Gemini is a complicated and magnetic sign that can be tough to pin down because of its often dual nature. But one look at Jareth, the Goblin King, gives him away. Check out how light he is on his feet when he’s Magic Dancing, how glibly he can turn even the most unpleasant of phrases, and how dreamy those damn eyes are! Factor in that he’s dazzlingly glamorous yet deeply sad, super popular yet desperately lonely, extremely intelligent but easily distracted, and full of mischievous ideas about how to mess with everyone around him, and his twin nature becomes apparent. It’s not that Geminis are two-faced by nature, as many think—it’s that if they’re going to be two-faced, they’ll do it with more glitter, elegance, and panache than the rest of the zodiac combined.
You're Hoggle. The very definition of a Cancer, Hoggle can have difficulty with clear communication, and because he doesn’t always succeed in earning the understanding of others, he’s learned to prioritize his own safety in order to get by in Jareth’s devious labyrinth. Hoggle, as he puts it, is Hoggle’s friend. But his self-sufficiency doesn’t make him an island—like most Cancers, he longs deeply for companionship and love. He’s kept himself company with objects that make him feel comfortable—most notably jewelry—but he’s been missing someone who’s willing to stick with him. When he meets Sarah, he can’t resist falling back into old, self-preserving habits to keep his heart safe. But when she shows herself to be a true friend who loves and supports him, he becomes the most loyal, dependable, and courageous of friends.
You're Sir Didymus. Leos are known for their brashness, their courage, their adherence to noble ideals, and of course their fiery temperaments. And there may be no character on earth that better epitomizes these traits than Sir Didymus, the diminutive yet larger-than-life knight of the Bog of Eternal Stench. His loyalty is as ironclad as his word, his spirit as blazing as his astrological sign, and his sense of honor far keener than his sense of smell. He strives for excellence and also recognizes it in others, like Ludo. He despises cowardice even while remaining loyal to those who display it: He doesn’t abandon his mighty steed, Ambrosius, even when he abandons him—and now that we’re on the subject, is there anything more Leo that a tiny dog riding a bigger dog? Not that I can think of.
You're the Trash Lady. Virgos aren’t often associated with heaps of junk. But the Trash lady, if you’ll recall, doesn’t see any of Sarah’s beautiful belongings—or the piles of other objects around her—as junk. Like any earth sign, she values the physical, and she appears to have spent a (very long) lifetime cataloguing and organizing every last item she’s come across in the Junk Yard. What might look to many of us like a disorganized dump is clearly, to her, a meticulously arranged collection of important artifacts, over which she holds dominion. A Virgo hopes, above all, to achieve mastery over what they hold dear, and the Trash Lady not only knows exactly where to find every tube of lipstick and pair of slippers, but she proudly locates them with the true dedication of a master of trash.
You're the Four Guards. Libra is known for loving words, sometimes more than they love truth. The fact is, however, that Libra just wants to keep balance in all things, and sometimes that equilibrium is better kept with glib talk than with brutal honesty. The Four Guards at the doors leading to the goblin castle and to—bum bum ba bummm—certain death are perfectly balanced between those who keep quiet (the heads on the bottom) and those who love to talk (the heads on the top), those who lie and those who tell the truth. It’s a perfectly labyrinthine way to keep the facts from muddling up the balance they enjoy so much…and to have a little fun along the way.
You're Sarah. The key word for Scorpio is intensity. Intensity of feeling, intensity of purpose, and intensity of personality. Sarah, our fearless hero, starts her adventures lacking somewhat in the latter, but she fights her way to the castle beyond the goblin city with a singularity of purpose and a depth of emotion that could be exhibited by nobody but a Scorpio. Once she learns to believe in herself, not even Jareth’s damnable good looks or silver-tongued promises can stop her from achieving her goal. She is willing to do literally anything to get her brother back, even if it means turning down a tights-clad David Bowie. And she doesn't just turn him down: in true Scorpio style, she utterly destroys him. Intense.
You're Toby. It’s difficult to know much about the soul of a toddler, but what we do know about Toby is this: he despises being bored and adores adventure, like any Sagittarius. Think about it: Toby is bored literally to tears by his boring home life. The first time we see him smile is when he is being literally tossed into the air by the Goblin King in a den of vice and squalor, surrounded by drunken miscreant goblins. Later on, he grins while defying the laws of physics in an M. C. Escher art piece brought to life. Possibly his first steps are taken in a place where a slight misstep could spell death. Truth is, Toby has blind faith in the fact that life is but a dream, so one may as well live it to the fullest. A Sagittarius, indeed.
You're Ludo. Ludo is clearly an earth sign: he can, after all, talk to the rocks that were, until he met Sarah and company, his only friends in the labyrinth. But it’s his friendliness, remarkable resourcefulness, deep loyalty, fearlessness, and willingness to put in hard work to get to the top—of the goblin house or of the war for our hearts—that make him a tried and true Capricorn. He’s got both the earthy grit and the sweetness that his sign is known for. And, we’ve gotta say, those horns of his look awfully similar to a goat’s.
You're the Wise Man. Aloof and intellectual, unconcerned with the day-to-day struggles of the lives of lost young girls and their nervous dwarf friends, the Wise Man is one of those Aquarians who just can’t help but alienate people. Even those closest to him—like his hat—find him frustratingly abstract. But the Wise Man isn’t trying to be a pain—he’s just more interested in the big ideas behind moving forward or backward than he is in small talk. What does it really mean to "get somewhere," anyway? Sarah and Hoggle may need help, but the Wise Man finds their chatter exhausting, so he drifts off into dreams of a better world where people are less needy and more intellectual.
You're the Knockers. Dreamy and ethereal, yet emotionally vibrant, Pisces can come be a bit out of touch with reality, lost as they are in the tumult of deep feelings they hold inside and sense in others. Such are the infamous Knockers of the labyrinth, who are so busy living in their own heads that they don’t even know where their doors lead! But when Sarah and Ludo come along looking for answers, these two Pisceans do the best they can to help, recognizing the importance of the task at hand. And even when Sarah gets down and dirty, shoving the ring back into one Knocker’s mouth with Ludo slobber all over it (gross!), the adaptable Pisces doesn’t mind…too much.
Lynsey G. is a writerly type with an interest in sex, feminism, pornography, and paisley print. Her work across multiple genres has appeared in Bitch Magazine, Refinery 29, Nerve.com, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, xoJane, the Doctor T. J. Eckleburg Review, Menacing Hedge, and elsewhere . The winner of a 2013 Feminist Porn Award for her documentary film "Consent: Society" and an avid defender of the Oxford comma, she's currently blogging at LynseyG.com and working on a graphic novel, a poetry chapbook, and a memoir of her time as a reporter for the adult entertainment industry (forthcoming from Overlook Press).