Found | Mourning Diary
for Lura Beam & Louise Stevens Bryant
August 28
Louise began to have pains at ten last night,
heat and nitroglycerin did no good. At two,
I wanted the doctor but she would not. I
called him before 7 and the ambulance came
by 7:45; oxygen, 3 nurses, consultation
authorized. Dr. S. does not think it coronary
(she thinks gall bladder)—but says to me
“critical” pulmonary edema, exhausted heart.
August 29
In the morning, Louise said, “Much better”
and said I should have gone to the publisher’s.
In the afternoon she was nauseated, appeared
by evening very ill, wanted water, the last word my name.
August 30
I would not have been able to get the obituary
to the Times because writing it was mountainous.
Lill came and took it.
August 31
Francie; her black velvet frock; the funeral services;
autopsy.
September 1
Funeral, 70 people—minister from Christ Church,
coffin with auratum lilies and pine, only her pine
with her into the flames.
September 2
Sleeping medicine.
September 5
I kept the lights on.
September 14
Dr. Phillips says nothing could have saved Louise.
He thinks she had a cardiac aneurism, very rare.
The opposite artery was blocked from the first attack.
October 10
Burned all the old letters and photographs in Louise’s
desk in our fireplace and threw the ashes to the cedar tree.
October 16
Bronchitis; sent for Lulu to cook and clean;
illness washes away grief, territory shrinks to bed only.
November 3
Began packing books of Louise’s, gift to Smith
College; reading L’s Diaries; cannot read fiction
or hear music.
November 25
Prefer to be alone.
December 1
Sent Rose Kerr’s letters to Louise—1926-38—
to her daughter Alix in England. Louise had said
she intended to destroy all personal correspondence
except Rose’s.
December 22
I got to thinking more about a book about Louise.
December 26
Louise moved to Sycamore Road in 1926—she had
untold troubles with her mother’s illness—help—etc.
and lost the apartment and $10,000 capital and was so
lonely she had to buy the piano.
December 29
I sat awhile in the church—I shall perhaps read only
poetry for a time . . . every hour is one long suffering.
February 23
I began on the Attic—exciting but causes misery.
March 1
The second sleepless night in a week.
March 12
Found an old-fashioned lap desk from L’s family—
(which I then gave to Roger Carleson).
March 14
If L could see, she would notice that everything
is the way she liked it—The Varieties of Religious
Experience by Wm. James by my bed.
March 25
Have copied all letters in L’s handwriting.
March 29
Maybe 400-500 of L’s letters.
April 1
Rain; working on genealogical table for L & old letters.
April 6
Wrote 2500 words on L’s Family Notes which I am finishing for her.
April 9
Aunt A’s silver cake, basket re-silvered, I hung Leslie’s
drawing; bilious; laundry cost now $1.00 a week. Illness
helps me to grieve less.
April 12
Gardening on Midland Avenue
April 15
Redwing to the feeder today.
Sold my Charnin Bldg $500 bond.
April 16
Mowing lawns; tonight I began to write
whatever it turns out to be about L.
April 19 (Good Friday)
Church of the Heavenly Rest . . . “All the
vain things that charm me, sacrifice them.”
April 20
Ferncliff after Christ Church yesterday,
L’s Easter flower was one Red Emperor.
April 23
5 hours per day, garden.
April 25
Ordered white lilac & hemlock, L wanted,
and a bushel of myrtls.
I breathe with great difficulty.
August 28
. . . Gave David Smith drawing ($300+) to MoMA as a memory of L.
September 19
I went to the Museum of Modern Art
with David’s drawing and went to look
at 122 East 62—where Louise lived
when I was in N. Carolina; apt house now.
October 8
Gardening to 2:30; white and gold aster.
October 17
Bilious after chocolate cake.
October 19
Flowers by roadside are gone.
October 23
The crepe myrtle is flowering all over.
November 24
Planted bulbs, cut down Rose of Sharon.
December 19
I dreamed of Louise.
author’s note
I’ve been working on this project—telling the stories of Lura Beam and Louise Stevens Bryant through verse—for nearly two years. The poems are inspired by and/or derived from the women's personal and professional work and archival materials. In particular, Found | Mourning Diary, is an assemblage of sorts from a lengthy diary Lura kept, which is in the archives at the Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America at the Harvard Radcliffe Institute https://hollisarchives.lib.harvard.edu/catalog/sch00218.
Anne Halsey is a feminist poet and memoirist. She received her education at Macalester College and New York University and currently lives in Central Texas, where she writes about art, history, and culture. Her work has recently appeared or is forthcoming in POETRY, The Illanot Review, and JSTOR Daily.