BY LYDIA A. CYRUS
- Wake up one morning and see yourself, really see yourself in a mirror, in a window, in the blackened television screen.
- Suck in your gut and stand up straight. Remember what you mother always said: flaunt what you got.
- Deflate suddenly and tell yourself that it doesn’t matter; your weight doesn’t define you.
- Decide what to eat for breakfast.
- Remember that anything with sugar, anything that tastes good, you cannot have.
- Attend class.
- Sit alone because you don’t know anyone.
- Decide which performance you will give for this class because you are new, your classmates are new, and even your professor is new.
- Wonder if anyone else has to decide which version of themselves to display.
- Suddenly remember the film American Psycho.
- Replace that negative thought with the fact that you are incredibly kind and would never pick up a chainsaw.
- Find that you now have a Huey Lewis and the News song stuck in your head.
- Think of something else: Bob Dylan, The Velvet Underground, Patti Smith, even Mariah Carey. Whatever it takes to replace Huey.
- Recognize that you look good in red lipstick – red lipstick complements your olive skin tone.
- Remember that your grandmother said only prostitutes wear red lipstick and so you haven’t worn red lipstick for years.
- Take into consideration that other people love your curly hair.
- Forget about the possibility of dread locks forming and stop brushing the curls out.
- When your mom says when was the last time you brushed your hair? get mad. Everyone loves it when you don’t brush your hair.
- Always offer a helping hand to everyone you know.
- Pretend to be proud of yourself.
- Have a small existential crisis. It works wonders for your nervous system.
- Have a breakdown because you realize that no two people know you in the same way. Worry about this.
- Ask your mother if she thinks she truly knows her daughter.
- Worry that if you went missing today that your mother wouldn’t know what color your sweater is.
- Realize that almost everyone you know would describe you to the detective in a different way. She’s always quiet. She’s really funny. She’s so nice! I’ve never heard her talk before! I worry about her. She makes me sad.
- Wonder how it’s possible that you exist as so many different women and yet you are one.
- Wonder if anyone else has this problem. Do other young women feel like they are not themselves? Did they ask their mom about it first? Are they hiding?
- Decide that it’s just the way it is: you exist as you are and that is enough.
- Ponder on what it means to subscribe to words, to movements, to rituals that belong to men.
- Think of Gloria Steinem. This puts the pressure on.
- Think of identity as a complex thing. Wonder if identity is complex because it encompasses the inside person, the person you hear most often. Does the inside person want to be classified? Commodified? Ostracized for classification? No, it does not. You do not.
- Realize your credit card payment is due tomorrow. Regret everything.
- Count up all your romantic endeavors. Regret everything.
- Think of what you’ll wear tomorrow.
- Decide that no one else struggles with multifaceted existence. You are an anomaly and everyone knows it.
- Ask yourself if you’re okay with that. Are you okay with that? Maybe someday, not today.
- Go to sleep.
- Rinse and repeat.
Lydia A. Cyrus is a creative nonfiction writer and poet from Huntington, West Virginia. Her work as been featured in Thoreau's Rooster, Adelaide Literary Magazine, The Albion Review, and Luna Luna. Her essay "We Love You Anyway," was featured in the 2017 anthology Family Don't End with Blood which chronicles the lives of fans and actors from the television show Supernatural.
She lives and works in Huntington where she spends her time being politically active and volunteering. She is a proud Mountain Woman who strives to make positive change in Southern Appalachia. She enjoys the color red and all things Wonder Woman related! You can usually find her walking around the woods and surrounding areas as she strives to find solitude in the natural world. Twitter: @lydiaacyrus