BY DEIRDRE COYLE
Staying on-brand as a Goth Feminist™ is hard work. I’m writing this missive to share some of my knowledge about how to consume various items, concepts, and people in a manner consistent with the Goth Feminist™ lifestyle. Read my advice at your own peril; follow my advice for even more perilousness. Peril is feminist. Peril is goth. Consumption is perilous.
HOW TO CONSUME A BLACK & WHITE COOKIE
When you eat a black and white cookie, remember that although you are attracted to the darkness, it is important to maintain balance. You should not feel shame about eating the white half of the cookie, because white represents nothingness, which is also fairly goth. Sacrifice the crumbs to your well-read copy of Audre Lorde’s collected essays.
HOW TO CONSUME A FORTUNE COOKIE
Divination is always goth. Hold the cookie in the palm of your hand, reach your claws around it, and crush the cookie in your fist. Remove the slip of paper, eat the larger crumbs, blow the remaining cookie dust into the wind (are you on a bridge at night overlooking troubled water, by the way? You should be). If your fortune says something cool, like “Your creativity will inspire future generations,” Instagram the picture with a goth filter (“Inkwell,” or “Moon,” perhaps). If the fortune says something patronizing, like “Don’t wear miniskirts after twenty-five,” you should set the slip on fire and throw it into the dark river below.
HOW TO CONSUME A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
Many Netflix original series boast progressive and radical content, such as more than one female character. However, Netflix has not yet fully tapped into its goth potential. Where is the torture porn biopic on Countess Bathory? Just kidding; that’s not feminist. Watch Orange is the New Black while painting your nails onyx and drinking tea.
HOW TO CONSUME A POT OF TEA
Tea. Is. Goth. As. Hell. Tea is also super feminist—as evidenced by its feminist-leaning availability in consumer culture. Basically, if you’re drinking tea, your Goth Feminism™ game is on point. You’re already killing it.
HOW TO CONSUME COFFEE
Drink. Your. Fucking. Coffee. Black. You. Poseur.
HOW TO CONSUME A LATTE
NO. YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE BLACK, JUST LIKE YOUR METAL.
HOW TO CONSUME AN AVOCADO AND HUMMUS SANDWICH
You may not. This is mine.
HOW TO CONSUME THE RICH
When selecting a wealthy person to consume, only select those who have benefited from traditional patriarchal power structures. Men who become rich off the backs of underpaid women are the ideal candidates for consumption. However, in order to stay on-brand, it’s important to consume these men while crying and listening to Bauhaus, otherwise the act—while still feminist—may not qualify as goth.
HOW TO CONSUME A CIGARETTE
When you smoke a cigarette, you’re holding death between your fingers. Never smoke Camels—those are bro cigarettes. Never smoke Lucky Strikes—those are sexist. Never smoke Virginia Slims—those are also sexist. It’s very difficult to find a feminist cigarette. Roll your own. Carrying loose tobacco and rolling papers is goth. Djarum Blacks are goth. Gauloises are feminist, but only because Marianne Faithfull smoked them. When you inhale, imagine tar entering your lungs and sticking there. When you exhale, imagine blowing the smokescreens of the patriarchy right out of your head. Don’t you feel refreshed? And you’re that many minutes closer to death.
HOW TO CONSUME RED WINE
Red wine is goth as hell because it looks like blood, okay? You think Countess Bathory drank Pinot Grigio? No, she drank the blood of virgins. Be more like Countess Bathory. Nope, still kidding! She wasn’t feminist. She was all about the girl hate. Drink red wine out of a goblet while watching Buffy.
HOW TO CONSUME THE MEEK
Consuming the meek is only feminist if the meek in question are cis-het white men. And when are cis-het white men ever meek?
HOW TO CONSUME HOT CHOCOLATE
Hot chocolate made from dark chocolate is preferable for obvious goth reasons. Never look at the calories—that’s sexist. Stir with an absinthe spoon.
HOW TO CONSUME A BOWL OF CEREAL
Self-consciously, while Fiona Apple’s Tidal plays. Unlike Fiona, express complete disinterest in what an angel would say.
HOW TO CONSUME A BAGEL
Pretend there is a joke about Countess Bathory here.
HOW TO CONSUME LIQUOR
Drinking whiskey comma neat used to be feminist, but then it turned into some basic bitch nonsense used to impress dudes, and is therefore no longer feminist, but actually the implication that drinking or not drinking a drink because it might or might not be used to impress cis-het dudes is not feminist, because you should drink what you want, and hey, even if you want to drink whiskey comma neat for the sole reason of impressing a dude, YOU DO YOU, BABE, THAT’S COOL. DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT TO DRINK OR DO. DON’T LISTEN TO ME. Bulleit is goth, though. Drink Bulleit.
HOW TO CONSUME YOURSELF
You’re doing it right now, if you’ve read this far. Well-played.