BY LISA MARIE BASILE
I'm not at all religious (I'd proudly call myself an atheist) but as the founding editor of Luna Luna, you'd assume I were a witch.
In many ways, I am a witch–-ways that are intangible, quiet, sacred and likely irrational. Ways that are innate, not practiced, not for the sabbath or for the circle.
I believe human beings have a need for things that may be of an irrational nature; the things (religious figures, spirit guides, crystals, for example) give us a modicum of perceived control and prevent us from a grief that is too heavy.
There is no proof of God (faith is not proof, but it may be magic), no real evidence of meaningful crystal vibrations, and no way for me to feel as though 'spirit guides' aren't just our desire not to be a fleeting blip on eternity's radar. I'm OK with that. I'm alright with it.
I know that the way I interact with these things is through me, and not through an external being--be that God or the divine or a some earthly conduit.
To me, this isn't irrational; there is something very pragmatic about the assumption that we are our thoughts. This is the way in for an atheist, I think.
When I work with crystals or talk to people about magic, I know that we're talking about ourselves putting our own energy (which may be everlasting and thus the closest thing to God) into ritual. That process. That symbol.
At the end of the day, what we put into the world is what we get in return. If you're never kind, people won't be kind to you. If you don't apply for the job, you won't hear from the employer. At its very base, magic, magick or whatever you want to call it, is all intention and self. The belief of internal power. The belief that we can connect.
So while spell-casting may be intriguing because of that perceived control, it's the intention setting process that I'm really buying into. It's not the candle color, which is an entirely human construction, but once again, a symbol of how detailed our intentions really are.
Last night I went to a seance held at the Spiritualist Church of NYC. I'd known that they did seances at one point and completely forgot. Last night I stumbled upon the webpage for the service as I researched for an article. I had to go. Something real compelled me; it literally moved my body. I just moved to Manhattan and changed my job, life and focus in real ways--so many changes in the past 2 months. I'd been feeling off center, as if I were running on a wheel, lacking foundation, filled with energy and too distracted. I've been emotionally exhausted and traumatized by my new work/life identity to really focus on the inner self. Art suffered. My body paid the price. I gained weight.
So I went, maybe because we all need an answer every now and again. No matter how strangely packaged the deliverance. I've been known to spend hours in botanicas; sure enough, there is always an answer. I come home with cascarilla. I come home with rose water. I come home and focus on why I wanted those things, which, in itself, is ritual.
So, I showed up to the seance, which was in a room at the second floor of the church. A beautiful, empty, hollow room with old Victorian wide Windows and hardwood, creaky floors. A church assistant set up a small space heater, we all got into a circle (there were eight of us) and pulled ourselves up to a circular, tiny table with a seance trumpet and three candles. It was anti-climactic and perfect.
Our two mediums, M & S, were lovely. They seemed like average, everyday women; not the kook you'd expect from some new-age types. Whether or not that's a fair judgement (I know it's not), I'm going to stick to it. Reason 1: Let's be honest about the kool-aid; people drink it and behave weirdly, and 2: having a relatable medium at such a vulnerable event seems tantamount to one's receptivity.
The church was cold, and my hands (which were palm up for guided meditation) were frozen. I kept my coat on, had my hair up, nothing about me said anything about me. I didn't give any personal information. I didn't shake my head yes or no when spoken to.
The truth is, I refused to enter the spirit world in the meditation. Why? If I didn't believe, why? I refused to really connect with my spirit guide. I tried, but my heart was pounding. I got frightened, worried that an evil entity would come into my body, and cause me to actually, really go crazy. I'd seen enough horror films, and I'm aware of the fine line between schizophrenia and the perceived paranormal. I watched a friend literally go insane in her efforts to talk to ghosts. She was grieving, not connecting.
If you're already weak, or lonely, or emotionally dialed in, what can save you from the slippery slope? I didn't want it to be me. How to tell if you go nuts? How to tell!?
The truth is, I felt capable of pulling in bad energy, and that scared me (but not as much as my tendency toward occult curiosity). It was much like my whole life; all go go go, not stopping to check my heartbeat, or how I feel. It felt like I would have absolutely no anchor in the other-world. And I kept questioning my atheism, which has always been at grandiose odds with my explorative personality and sense of personal power. A true, probably ridiculous saga. But my atheism keeps me stable.
But when M said, "May I pass you a message?" I said yes, of course. She hadn't known a thing about me, couldn't have.
There was talk of feminine energy watching, talk of my needing to get back to my creativity and talk of using my body--my hands, cooking, ceramics, something--to get me grounded. That my body needed it, my art needed it. She said, "You must be some sort of artist? You're just neglecting it."
This isn't subjective. I haven't written poetry, my main medium, in over a year. And I have been plagued with body issues before recently starting to run--which is more about my need to recover (and confront) than my need to lose weight or run from the pain.
She said that the feminine energy was telling me to keep going, to use my body, and to get myself disciplined in my art. She said in five months I'd see results. I just needed to focus my energy into something real so that I could ground myself enough to create. Makes sense.
My atheism wants to say this is all subjective, that really any message could be applied to anyone. So, I have no sensible reasoning here, aside from some icky semblance of secular faith. In energy? Messages that carry weight whether or not they come from the spirit world? I'm not sure.
It would be a lie to say I wasn't deeply moved by the information I received and the way in which it was expressed.
At the end of the night, the medium S came up to me. She didn't want anything. There was no reason to talk further or woo me. This was an official church; they were there for light and love. She seemed put off by my energy; she said she felt very anxious standing next to me. She said she couldn't determine exactly why, but she knew I was powerful.
"In fact, I think you're some sort of little witch." (Now I am of course aware that she's aware of the type of people who show up to a seance; a possible predisposition to the occult).
I show her my tattoo, which was buried under three layers of clothing. It said, 'witch,'--more for the representative meaning (women who lived in the face of sexism and patriarchy, women who were in touch with their own power).
The medium stepped back, regained herself, and then came closer. She was clearly affected. She said to me, while gripping my arm, "You're very powerful. Think about where you'll be in 30 years if you let yourself follow that path. Don't ever think you're not on the journey. You on it right now."
There was more, but that's for me to know. For me to interpret. For me to argue against. For me to consider.
We're all searching for the truth; how could we not? In the blackness of everyday, there needs to be a reason--something innate, something that propels us. No matter what you believe, the answer is already in you. And for me, as an atheist, magic is only one method: a set of guidelines that help us say, 'I'm serious about my desires.' A designed time and place that allows us to think--really think. It's intention with direction. It's the quiet mind focusing.
If the representation of our desires and fears and hopes is found in a spirit guide, it's a symbol. It's the internal. I don't mind if the spirit isn't real; it's me. I'm real. You're real.